Remembering the Self
“Children are not less intelligent than adults; what they are is less informed.”
― Philip Pullman
Growing up in the South during the late 1990’s was difficult for a kid like me. We were in the deep heat of backlash toward Magick & the Occult. Mysticism had made its way into the societal consciousness for the 4th time in a Century. Where I was from, if you weren’t raised religious, you said “non-denominational” when asked where your family went on Sunday mornings.
What my classmates really didn’t know, but suspected, was that I was different. There are vivid middle school memories of being told I had the power to turn little boys who were mean to me into frogs, a skill I’m sad to say never developed in puberty. I used big words, my clothes never fit quite right, and I made friends with the school administrators regularly.
One of my most affirming family members, my Great Aunt Sandra (long A like in August) would send me books. Magical books. She bought me a subscription to a company that sent a small 3 ring binder and then, monthly, a packet of information on some metaphysical subject would come in the mail. I didn’t really understand at the time but this way the beginning of my first and probably most consistently used Book of Shadows. I treasured the shiny pages full of esoteric nonsense.
Another year, I received an entire collection of the Time Life Enchanted World series. Fables & stories filled the over-large pages. They introduced me to the unseen world, the intuitive world. Sadly, those amazing treasures were lost to mold in a box in my parents garage when I was in High School while I was too busy trying to be perceived as Normal. Little did I know then - if I had stepped slightly to the Left from reading Ginsberg I would have landed in back in Magick about 6 years earlier.
Of the many stacks of books she sent to me, the most impactful by far were His Dark Materials, a triptych of Fiction for young adults by Phillip Pullman.
The year I turned 12, I met Lyra: headstrong, vibrant, full of spite. A girl whose parents had abandoned her to be raised by Old people surrounded by Old things. She had the ability to know when to lie and when to seek the truth. She befriended the Other, questioned Everything, moved forward by instinct. I was in awe of her and had no idea then how much she would change me.
“We should do what we can to increase the amount of wisdom in the world.”
There is a sad truth of our time: some people we share this life with are not interested in the here and now. Life is about getting into Heaven, and this Earth part is pretty uncomfortable. They have seen that asking too many questions gets you stared at in an odd way, which is unpleasant and best avoided. I am not that kind of person. I am very curious by nature. I find that life is best experienced from a metaphorical desk chair.
Growing up, things were very…unorganized. I am not a terribly put-together person, but I am learning that my body and mind function at higher level when Things have a Place. As an adult, I have taken it upon myself to act as Mother to myself - to gently yet sternly parent Me in the way that I so desperately craved as a child. As a treat for being more brave and for speaking my needs more clearly, I decided to read The His Dark Materials books that I adored as a child again. Also, having visited Oxford recently, it seemed a good moment to revisit it.
Inside the first book? Trepanation. Divination. Flow States. Parallel Universe Theory. The Nature of Consciousness. The Anima/Animus. Free Will vs Determinism. Particle Physics. Dark Matter. Quantum Entanglement. My Child brain couldn’t even begin to process how all of these topics would come to inspire and motivate me as an Adult. I really had no idea how much of my journey as a Learner, Occultist & Witch was clearly seeded then.
Within the first 100 pages of a The Golden Compass, Pullman references a process whereby an individual has a small hole cut into their skull. The reasons behind having this procedure done are varied but it is often associated with the Shamanic practices of the Arctic regions during the Neolithic era. The most well known person to have experienced it in modern times is Amanda Feilding. Amanda Claire Marian Charteris Feilding, Countess of Wemyss and March. A premier psychopharmacological researcher in Oxford, she self-administered the treatment in the late 1960’s and recorded a documentary of the procedure with her then husband. It is an intense and incredible thing to witness & if you have the stomach for some gore, I would highly suggest it as I found it transcendent. She inspired me to seek the Other and to not turn away from the extraordinary.
In college, I studied for a degree in Human Services and spent the final years in the program doing deep dives into the uses of Psychotropics & Ethnopharmacology in the healing of those experiencing complex trauma, addiction, and mental distress. This research is where I first stumbled on Amanda Feilding & her work with the Beckley Foundation. Johns Hopkins still had not restarted their research studies & trials at the time of my graduation, so I was feeling unhopeful. I had strongly considered getting my Masters to work toward that field, but the socio-political climate didn’t seem warm at that time. I misjudged greatly.
I will stop here, as I am sure it is apparent where I am going with this. Follow the threads. Write down synchronicities. Tell a friend when some “spooky action at a distance” happens - when you experience something that feels like the quantum actively entangling you.
